This is a choice

by Anna Blanch on October 12, 2011

I like milestones. I like birthdays, anniversaries, graduations. I like New Year and Easter. I like the first day of Spring, Winter, Autumn and Summer! I like the first day of school and the last day of school.

But this need for beginnings and closure can get me into a hermeneutic spiral that not even [insert your favourite textual critic] can get you out of.

I have felt myself over the last 13 months asking God periodically “When will this be done?” or quietly whispering “If i can just get through this.”

Some of it has just been tiring. The slow dripping of tortuous and grating frustration. I’ve watched others close to me go through the worst pain imaginable. I’ve felt the disconnection of being out of context and place and yet feeling strongly that there is where I am to be, for now.

The measurement of time, and the passage of days, is not a matter of recording your productivity levels and good days and bad days – it is a reality, a beautiful reality of humanity. A disconcerting reality, maybe. But reality it is.

Do you know that there’s not just one calendar?

There’s the Gregorian (the one you’re used to), the Hebrew, the Julian, the Islamic, Indian, and Chinese  (for those who want to know more). On that basis, and the feeling that the last year of my life has been one of the most challenging, difficult, isolating years of my life, I am declaring today, the beginning of a new year.

So Happy New Year to me, and to you.

If only things were that simple.

I don’t need to declare a new year. I need to be still for a moment. What I can do is clear space in my mind and heart to face the challenges of the next 12 months. To set my mind on the tasks ahead and things above. To know that there is going to be work, but it will not be without its rewards. It will not pass by glibly either. With joy at the opportunity presented I face the challenges that will come and hope for the moments of hope and joy with an assurance of peace that passes all understanding.

Let me leave you with this; Like many others, I discovered this song through an episode of Grey’s anatomy a couple of weeks ago. It speaks to a little of how I’m feeling at the moment.

I know you left me standing there
Out of the calm of the coldest air
I don’t believe the words you said
But I can’t find the words I want
Oh, I can’t find the words I want

If you were gone in another life
I don’t believe I would just survive
I could feel you next to me
An escape from the world I’m in
Oh, I’m afraid of the world I’m in

One day I will see Heaven’s reach
I’ll find the one who left me sleeping
Every war was another seed
That could feed every soul in need
Oh, I’m worn by the war in me

Somebody found me here
Somebody held my breath
Somebody saved me from the world you left
If you’re gonna cry my tears
If you’re gonna hold my breath
If you’re gonna let me see the sun you set
Oh, I am lost and found
Oh, I am lost and found


Life: UnmaskedThis challenge and invitation from Joy in conjunction with post I wrote about “getting real” prompted my involvement with This Life: Unmasked.

This is my fifth post for the challenge. Here is my first: Life: UnMasked, my second, Ready or Not and my third, Is the Heart Home?, and my fourth, Like Fireflies in the Night and Swallows in the morning.

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  • Pattyann

    What a beautiful song and a very thought provoking post today!!

    • Goannatree

      thanks Pattyann! it is a beautiful song, isn't it.

  • Adriane

    This is so fitting for my life right now
    thank you for sharing!

    • Goannatree

      thank you for taking the time to comment! A.

  • Pingback: A little less of a superhero — Goannatree()

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