Ready or Not

by Anna Blanch on September 21, 2011

They are here.

And I’m not ready.

Well, i’m kind  of ready.

I’m resisting the floodgates of the semester opening because I’m not good at leaving anything in reserve.

I’ve spent the two months of the summer with this weird malaise of a viral/post-viral thing and the only way I been able to keep it together with life and thesis is to let my body sleep as necessary. But, that might not work so well with the demands of the semester and teaching and trying to finish a draft of this thesis by Christmas.

I’ve finally allowed others to help me through this. To care for me. To kidnap me and take me into their home and feed me and let me write and sleep. It’s good for me to pull back the curtain on this – to trust others. To accept their love, their concern, and their practical care.

I want to will my body to let me make this big push. I want to allow myself to go absolutely all in for this few months knowing that the stress of holding myself back is actually making it harder to rest. I’m a shark: I need to keep moving forward. Yet in the midst of all to To be still. Patience is a hard won lesson. Contentment even more so.

As I face up to the massive email inboxes, the lists of dates that need to be added to my diary  that I’ve made myself leave off for the past couple of weeks in the hope i’ll get over the hump and start to feel a little better for a little longer each day. I’ll have to replan and plan again for what needs to be done so that my thesis can be in full draft form by Christmas.

This week is Fresher’s week, (like O-Week) and the town and university are a bustle of activity and many new faces. I have commitments this week – people to meet and get to know (hard to reserve energy when you’re an extrovert and you just can’t help it), meetings to go to and organise, classes to prepare for.

Right now I don’t feel ready. I guess I’ll be ready when it’s time.

__________________

Life: UnmaskedThis challenge and invitation from Joy in conjunction with last monday’s post about “getting real” prompted my involvement with This Life: Unmasked.

This is my second post for the challenge. Here is my first: Life: UnMasked.

 

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