I write because I must.

by Anna Blanch on March 12, 2012

I like writing. I have days and weeks where I have to tear myself away from my moleskine or my laptop to eat. Sometimes it draws me back in whether I want it to or not. Like a siren with its calls. I write because I have to. I write because I must.

Some days, I don’t want to write. I want to drink tea and sit in the sun reading a novel, or going  running  on a rocky path. I want to bake or laugh with friends, or I want to cocoon myself in feathers and sleep the sleep of the well-slept. I avoid writing on those days in a way that sucks the joy out of the other things.This is a recent phenomenon.

I’m hoping this is a phd specific avoidance disorder.

On those really-would-rather-poke-my-eyes-out-than-write days I often sit down at my computer or with paper and pen in hand and try to write for at least an hour anyway. I write then because sometimes it isn’t a time for a break. I write then because within a structure of discipline comes freedom. i write then because that’s when it must be done. I write because I have to. I write because I must.

On the worst days I log onto Phinished.org and connect with some other people who are plugging away at their own marathons. People who choose to encourage more than whine, who are in a similar kind of boat.

On the days where I just can’t write I read, or I focus on writing anything that will be written. Sometimes those days are good for the blog, or for letters to friends.

I must write, but sometimes I don’t want to write the thing on the top of the list.

 

ps: As a complete aside – It still kind of makes me chuckle when I walk past a 20 something student wearing a cravat, blazer, chinos and loafers….i feel like I’m living in another century. I think I’ll reminisce about st Andrews idiosyncrasies quite alot. Good thing I’m back in May.

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