I’ve always been one of those people who looks ahead, beyond the finish line.
Sometimes it means I get ahead of myself. Sometimes I struggle to live in the moment and enjoying being here. there. just being.
Sometimes I wonder whether we get afraid of finishing something or meeting a goal because we aren’t sure what’s around the corner. A friend admitted to me this past week that they were afraid of submitting their final copy of their thesis because they weren’t sure how they would feel when it was all done, when four years of work was no longer weighing on them every moment. This may seem counter-intuitive: the idea that it is somehow easier to hold onto a burden than to let it go. But I think we all do this in our way.
As for me, as I’ve packed up my life, and my jaw has been giving me a world of hurt I’ve found myself reflecting on where my heart lies – where my passions are, and what might be next for me. Sometimes it is risky to state goals, because in stating them you declare a goal, and if you don’t reach that goal you might find yourself facing failure head on. Sometimes it feels even riskier not to have goals or plans at all.
I’ve been thinking about how in trusting in the sovereignty of God, sometimes I do or don’t do things, against my own instincts, because I need to trust in God’s plans. This might seem odd. Maybe it would make more sense if I explained that I believe God has my best interests in mind. These interests are those which glorify him, not necessarily that which I understand to be what is best at a given moment. Sometimes my greatest act of trust is not to act. To be, not to do.
To not do. I find not doing quite difficult.
But does that leave me floundering? It does leave me pondering whether I don’t declare my passions because I am scared of failure.
We all have our own insecurities and they lead us into the land of the irrational on occasion.
I’ve applied for another couple of jobs this week, but with more focus and intent than the last few months. In asking what am I most passionate about and what I most want to be doing in 12 months it is helping me to clarify what to focus my energies on now. I am holding in tension the now and the not yet in a way I hadn’t experienced before now.The idea that to live fully now I do need to keep a eye to the big picture, so that immediate decisions are tempered by the larger concerns and more important ends.
So tell me, are you stay completely in the moment and stumble from one thing to the next kind of person? a looking constantly ahead and struggling to enjoy the right now? or something else entirely?