This morning is different.

by Anna Blanch on June 6, 2012

It is 6am, and like almost every morning since well before Christmas my brain is wanting to write. Except this morning, I don’t have to force myself out of my sleepiness into thinking about all things thesis.

This morning is different.

I have reached the stage of a draft of each of the five chapters. This does not mean I am close to being done. My writing only seems to “get good” after at least 5 or 6 drafts. And so I have a summer of writing laid out before me.

Here’s the moment i realised that I have a draft of each of the five chapters.

See the new counter at the bottom of the page? It says 14 weeks until I’d like to be ready to submit.

I should feel a sense of a achievement at having a draft. But it feels more anti-climactic than anything.  Then again, it doesn’t seem healthy to be telling myself I should  be feeling some way i’m not.

I did pop the cork on this, but it really tasted like blackcurrent soda. The pop was kind of satisfying and the *very* cheap bottle of something sparkling has been sitting under my desk for the past year awaiting the event of the first full draft…so it only seemed right.

Yet, right now I can’t really muster much enthusiasm.

I’m tired.

I need my own jubilee. I need some fallow time to recharge the brain and the heart.

So, For the next 5 days, I am not just ‘not working’ – I am going to rest. I am going to enjoy the people I’m with. I am not going to feeling guilty for not having written enough or read enough today. I am going to have some fun.

I am in dire need of fun. It is long overdue.

The last day I had completely off was boxing day, the day after Christmas

yes, phd’s are like this – long thankless stretches; of needing to work at least a little every single day. I’ve needed these days that stretch out before me for a long time. I’m not afraid to work hard, i just want to live to work hard another day and not burn myself out into the realm of oblivion. I’ve written about this before; about seeking to have rightly ordered priorities.

I’ve realised in the last few years of graduate school that given the right circumstances I could be a workaholic. I’ve realised, thankfully, that I don’t have an addictive personality (which makes these things all the more difficult to avoid), but that I do have slightly obsessive tendencies, especially when it comes to work and responsibility. Sometimes I’ve been known to focus so intently on something that I simply don’t hear the voices of people trying to speak to me. Hours can go by. I can (and do) forget to ear.

Right now, though, I can hearing the baby gurgling and beginning to wake upstairs. This is a different baby to the one I’ve mentioned in other posts lately. For one, she’s a little girl! Secondly, I’m in England now rather than Scotland.

The next time I post (probably next Tuesday or Wednesday) I will be in sunny California (with yet another little baby in the house). I’d like to be in Narnia, but California and the wonderful people i’ll be spending time with there will more than do! 😉

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